Biro's Inspiratos

An Awkward Position

Dear Athena,

I am having major difficulties with determining the most appropriate position for defecating. Should I cross my legs, keep them close together, but uncrossed, hold my knees up to my chest, or spread them wide apart?
Your help would be much appreciated as I am dreading the eventuality of someone bursting into the room and seeing me at it in the wrong position.

Yours,

Petunia Flatulensis

Dear Petunia Flatulensis,

Having consulted my long-term copy of Aristotle's Poetics, I am debating whether or not this is indeed an aesthetics issue. However I will advise you as best I can.

The only position one should adopt in life is the superior one.

Baroness Hoxtonia.